My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm at about main and main street
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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