On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Boobs are out for the taking
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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