I cannot find my penis.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
