So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was like eating out sand paper
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
