If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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