The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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