Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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