i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
