Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
