he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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