peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
