New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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