i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
