My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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