i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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