I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
