Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
