whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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