I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
