Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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