i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
