Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
