I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
