I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
