I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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