it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
