she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
