fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
