She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
