I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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