I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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