White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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