i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
