i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
