i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize