It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
