I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
