Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
