I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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