I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Less talking, more tequila
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
