Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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