My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
