my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
