There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Is it because I queefed?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
