dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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