Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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