i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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