You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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