I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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