fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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