I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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