i just sent this text using only my big toe
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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