if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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