and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
