I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
