Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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