I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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