I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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