Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
sarcasm needs its own font
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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