Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize